The Thirteenth Apostle



The Apostle Bendrite
(as imagined by Rev. Louis Mayonaise Shirt)

"But, no one in the history of faith-based monopolies has taken more heat, and found himself deleted for his troubles, than the previously unknown Apostle Bendrite."






Discoveries have driven the course of Theology in the last century.  From the Dead Sea Scrolls to the
Hamuudi Library, old ideas founded on centuries of tradition are being felled by simple bits of papyrus or a withered corpse.  The revelation that St. Dominic was not only an alcoholic but also a pedophile shocked many in the Roman Catholic Church.  This would not have come to light except for the chance discovery of his well-preserved body in a huge firkin in central Ireland last Spring.  But even more shocking was the scandalous naked image of John Calvin that he carried in his personal scroll.  Although the find represented a previously unknown woodcut, possibly by Albrecht Durer, this compromising image of the founder of Calvinism and other modern-day fatalistic heresies has been consigned to the questionable file in the back room of History.  This is not so unusual.  It is also not always a mistake, but it does tend to turn the story of time backward on itself, like a snake eating its own face.

Suspect as religion often is, and has been for centuries, nay-sayers and the unsaved have jumped at the chance to trash the Holy See and his bastard nephews, the Protestants.  But, no one in the history of faith-based monopolies has taken more heat, and found himself deleted for his troubles, than the previously unknown Apostle Bendrite.  His name came up occasionally in medieval texts and was found engraved, very deeply, on the south wall of the Herculaneum Whore House (Lot 12, row 467, location # M-P-88921).  It was assumed that this Bendrite was a misspelling of some other word, but this never seemed to bring any clarity.  Finally, in early 2002, a cache of curious Himbroth texts, bound in clay covers, and decorated with herbs and salts, came to light in suburban Shindam.  They had been shipped there in the waning days of the Roman occupation, and were removed from the city temple by a zealous road building team, and used for paving stones.  Not until the 21st century would the world finally come to truly know and appreciate the man who was almost certainly the 13th Apostle of Jesus, Bendrite of Delphi.
Himbroth, a language known only to scholars through ancient jokes and witticisms, has now been entirely translated, thanks to the work of Dr. Hugo Slimball of Rugged Cross University.  It used only 3 symbols in numerous combinations, and although this seems unlikely, it saved much time and effort on the part of scribes.  Translation was slow at first, but about a third of the way through the important work, scholars came upon a text entitled, “The Gospel of Bendritus Delphius,  Last of the Apostles”.  Some joker had, at a later date, inserted a small “e” above the “a” in “last”, making it appear to read “least of the apostles”.  But, no matter what foolhardy enterprise had taken a laugh at Bendrite’s expense, the words to follow would shake the world.
According to the text, Bendrite of Delphi was born about 3 BCE near the village of Schmagma, Greece to one of several parents who shared the family woollery.   His early years, unlike Jesus’ blank period, are described in such detail that recounting it would be useless.  But the general outline of his life is important.  We learn that life in the days of Jesus was no piece of cake.  In fact, it was hot, there was no toothpaste, and lots of people went around very angry.  The author was no exception, and after a nasty family fight, Bendrite left home with his mother’s mule and nearly 370 Drachmas hidden in his leg wraps.  He made his way west, soon coming to Delphi, home of the prophet of Greek legend.  He met with the oracle, and soon began working as a helper to the Oracle.  His work continued for about 3 years, and some evidence suggests he was in line to become the next prophet.  Sadly, Delphi was bypassed when a new 4 lane trade route was constructed about 45 miles to the north.  After the Oracle became a sort of ancient ‘roadside attraction’, Bendrite felt the urge to move on and find his fortune.  He had saved a considerable amount of money, far beyond his salary, by working prostitutes on the side, and it was in this trade that he found his greatest success.

"During his wanderings, Bendrite heard of the teachings of a new Rabbi in Israel, and although uninterested in the subject matter, he caught the familiar scent of opportunity."

During his wanderings, Bendrite heard of the teachings of a new Rabbi in Israel, and although uninterested in the subject matter, he caught the familiar scent of opportunity.  Dropping everything, he freed most of his whores and headed for Jerusalem.  Upon his arrival, he and his 3 favorites took lodgings at the Ram’s Ring Inn, using a half eaten calf to hold the room until funds arrived from Delphi.


"Unknown events changed his position to one of servitude, and another newly discovered text, 'The Odyssey of Victor the Jew' hints that it may have been a refusal to supervise the dung wagon during the hot summer months."

Unlike all the other apostles, Bendrite seems to have had no conversion experience.  When asked about this, by a Pharisee, he joked that the only conversion he ever understood was “silver drachmas to gold denaris”.  It was this earthy intellect that brought him to the attention of the early Christians.  He was taken on as a publicity agent, and charged with presenting the words of the master in the best light, planning events that would later become known as “parables” and “miracles”, and covering up for Peter (known to have a taste for both rancid wine and rancid women).  Unknown events changed his position to one of servitude, and another newly discovered text, “The Odyssey of Victor the Jew” hints that it may have been a refusal to supervise the dung wagon during the hot summer months.   He is known to have complained after the 5000 were fed by 5 loaves and 2 fishes that he was left with all the cleanup.  “My Lord, I cannot run from Samaria to the gates of Jerusalem picking up bread crusts and fish heads…where is Peter when the miracles stop?”  He was scarred on the face for this comment, and it finds it way (almost verbatim) into Shakespeare’s last, unfinished work, “The Hillbeth’s of MacDougall”.

Bendrite failed to understand the concept of instructional imagery, and often inserted himself into situations when the Lord was about to make a point. Once, as Jesus was about to reason with a blind, deaf and crippled Samaritan who refused to move aside, and whose “crooked staff” had fallen into a wayside gutter, the Lord’s best efforts to teach through example were thwarted.  As He was trying to convince the man to step aside, with little success, Bendrite rushed forward, and assured Jesus that “I know how to handle these types”.  He proceeded to beat the Samaritan with a Fig Switch he often carried.  He then grasped the old man’s neck scarf and bloodied left sandal, and heaved him into the gutter, where his crooked staff lay.  This story, illustrative of nothing, was not included in the gospels by the Council of Nicea in the late Roman period.  In fact, one of the most important criteria for inclusion in the Biblical Canon seems to have been which books mentioned Bendrite least. Thereafter, his name was removed from existing books, and it became illegal to produce any work with any of the letters of his name within 4 lines of each other.  He was soon erased from the memory of those who had followed his teachings, including his own grand daughter’s grandson,  Phillus Grippus.

If the Medieval church had its way, no one would have any idea about the identity of Bendrite of Delphi, and we would run along, blind of the truth, and smug in our own course of destruction!  But it did not work, thanks to some out-of-control and racially impure road builders in ancient Shindam.  Thanks be unto them, for setting us on our ears, a place we need to be if we are to hear the thunder-herd hooves of the approaching millennium, replete with Armageddon and the Great White Elephant Judgment.  One wonders if the Church Fathers were successful enough to have the name “Bendritus Delphius” scratched from Heaven’s Book of Life as well!  Only time will tell, as is often the case with things we do not yet know.

"It is likely that the stories revolving around Bendrite will be unacceptable to some.  His name will be denied, and someone will black out teeth and draw a curly moustache on his images, but his impact is impossible to deny."

It is likely that the stories revolving around Bendrite will be unacceptable to some.  His name will be denied, and someone will black out teeth and draw a curly moustache on his images, but his impact is impossible to deny.  It will be seen for what hewas--a mistake that grew to huge importance, through lack of self-control and simple stupidity.  Attempts to eliminate his impact on Christians today are nigh unto impossible.  In his day, he was famous.  After his death, he was revered.  But after his erasure, he was nobody’s business.  He has given us a greater lesson than any of the other boot-lackey’s in the New or Old Testament…he has shown us that no matter what time of the millennium it is, someone will surely get it wrong.