A Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal, a photo by captainpandapants on Flickr.

NRA Chief David Keen is “KEEN” on NRA Movement and Toilet Safety

Dave Keen knows when its time for a movement…you might say he’s an expert.  Before he was elected to the top post at the NRA, he was a recognized expert on movements.  “When you gotta go, you GOTTA GO!” he chuckled in a January 11 interview.  “Denying a movement is the worst thing you can do for the health of the body, and this is true of nations, too…”

(Keen demonstrating Ruger’s new .22 Caliber semi-automatic tampon with string trigger)

He noted that when the ‘monster wants to get out’, denying it causes issues of severe bodily distress.  Identity issues can ensue.

“The time has come…mankind is ready to give birth to the first ‘semi-auto’ nation on earth…from the rump of repression and sphincter of dictatorship will be born a shining bronze vessel of hope, freedom and fire-power.” 

Being ready is what matters most for Keen.  He sees weak spots in the national shield of preparedness, however, and has some insightful suggestions (which may later become laws for everyone over 8 months of age).  “Watch your dog when you take him or her for a walk sometime. When they interface with the earth…drop a load…take a dump…just look at them.  They are totally vulnerable to attack by almost anything, from a crazed wolf to a rabid lemming.  Herein lays the problem for America.” Keen sees the moment of ‘movement’ as one which could be exploited by communists, socialists or Muslims.  But there is a solution. 

 

“When relieving yourself outside, it’s easy to be armed, although being watchful might be harder…but it’s possible.  But, when in the comfort of your own bathroom, in your fortified home surrounded by razor wire and pressure-release mines, you need something extra.”  But all is not lost!  Keen says the NRA is working with Savage Firearms to come up with a waterproof handgun and 80 round clip that can survive months of submersion in toilet tanks.

  

If successful, it will solve many problems, and fill a major gap in the national two-ply defense proposed by the NRA.  Additionally, the submerged weapon can save on water, reducing each flush by at least a quart, and even more if spare clips are stored in the tank as well.  There’s no end to what guns can do for you!         

NRA Plan to Make Schools Safe

Since 2005 contributions from gun industry "corporate partners" to the NRA total between $14.7 million and $38.9 million.  What's the payoff for that kind of financial support?  (Hint---its more than a patriotic love for the Bill Of Rights.)  When the NRA makes you afraid of your own government and the coming economic dinintegration, sales go up for its sponsors.  Why is this hard to piece together?  Its a money game.   

If this is what America is coming to, thanks to the NRA and its corporate sponsors...we're finished. 



Some days you get the chicken and some days you get the rat.  Life's like that.

 

HISTORY IN PERSON

This week, we will print some excerpts from the diary of Abner Moutard (1760-1879).  Moutard was a God fearing man, and merchant whose iron tea-tray factory was located on what is now called Island Street.

“April 31, 1792…have spent time seeking this date on calendar at tray mill, cannt (sic) find it…day may be May 1, unsure…”

“May 1, 1792…believe the loss of April 31 as a day is an evil thing eminating from the followers of some foreign pope, leader of catholicks (sic) in Penns Colony.  I praid (sic) for their souls being saved through damnation”

“May 13, 1792…little son Marion is growing sacks on his chest, appears to have been misjudged at a young age.  May be a woman.  Am unsure.  I cannot judge well. Out of respect to the Lord, I have ne’r seen a woman without raiment.“

“July 29, 1792…Have tak’n (sic) to tapin’ (sic) my bulbus’ (sic) chest lumps w’th (sic) tar rags and pich (sic) from the hemlock tree in naybor (sic) Shunt’s god-les (sic) wood lot. Remov’ng (sic) the strips stingeth (sic), so I countenanc (sic) them for 8 fort-nites (sic).”

“Sept. 31, 1792…Wife Mendon has slaughtered the field horse, by mistake.  I am forced to plow with rodents.  Slow progress, plow’d about 13 inches by nightfall.  Planted one corn stalk.  Went a-bed late, in wet nightshirt”

“November 11, 1792… Armistace Day, much rejoicing (sic) in town.  Thankful for freadom (sic) from the Hun.  God Bless our pres’dnt  and his foot-stuhl.”

 “December 19,1792…

Flesh has grown over chest rags now, cannot find the end of it.  God curse me a sinner, a worm, and trash in His eye, but think God loveth us still, I seek the mind of a shepherd of men, at Sunday meeting.  Rev. Makeover assureth that He loves me this very day, after kneeling at the font.  Am unsure if the Rev. meaneth God or himself”

NEXT WEEK:  Little Sally Flim kept a diary of her efforts to make gin using roots, pond water and bacon grease.  Read her fascinating account of the day it all went terribly wrong.